The Pink Politico: self esteem

Dear Cosmo, Woman-to-Woman Belittling Is NEVER Weirdly Worth It, Sorority Life or Not

11:02 AM

Dear Cosmopolitan,

I will begin by saying I am not a subscriber to your magazine. Being the prim and prissy individual that I am, even picking up an issue in line at the grocery store with headlines like “Blah Blah Blah Sex Tricks” or “Blah Blah Blah Eyebrow-Waxing” makes me blush beyond all reason… See I can’t even write a fake headline because I’m so squirmy already.

But, to be fair - I’ll be honest: there is some sacred notion of sitting under the dryer with foils in my hair, chatting with my hairdresser about her ex-boyfriend while flipping the pages of your arguably iconic magazine. The experience is enhanced by the fact that, that particular issue has its mailing label ripped off, and soon thereafter we partake in a traditional reading-aloud of the horoscopes in the back.

I am not a subscriber to your magazine, but I am a sorority woman. A sorority woman that was hurt, and more so offended by your recent article "Confession: Why Getting Hazed By My Sorority Was Weirdly Worth It."

I was never hazed during my time as a collegiate member of a sorority and now as a proud alumnae, and former employee of that very same organization, do everything I can to fight this kind of behavior - and the mentality that the author of the article projects.

I am sick of television shows, movies, and general mass media implying that I was. Implying that I don't have the respect and dignity not to engage in such behavior, or a notion of human dignity as to not act in that way towards others.

To be a self-proclaimed woman of values, to assert myself to the expectations of my chapter and its heritage, how could I have been hazed? How could I have have built my character or grown into my own if I was always worried about others: their hurtful words, their painful actions, or otherwise emotional trauma.

I have never allowed myself to be hazed, nor would I ever haze another woman.

Hazing it never okay. Hazing is never worth it. It is never weirdly worth it.

While many of your (now enraged) readers are members of NPC, NPHC, and local sororities, many are not. What hurts me most about your article by Tess Koman, was that it was and will be read by so many non-members.

The reality is: I know my own truth. I know my experience. I know my value and that of those around me. I know that I will never convince the world of the true value and depth of my experience.

But there are women who may, within the next several years, look to join an organization like mine. There may be women who, because of this story, will never join an organization and have the opportunity to have an experience like mine. And for that, my heart aches.

Women everywhere, on every track and path of life should be taught to lift one another up, how to empower each other, how to engage with one another.

The woman-to-woman mental emotional combat that Koman wrote about is far too common, and not just in college. Clips from Mean Girls flash in my mind as I think of the would-be friends in high school that “would only like you if…” or the teammates that encouraged you to engage in behavior that was less than your best, and less than the best for you.

This mean girl behavior should not and cannot be tolerated. Coming from “friends” or teammates, or sisters, or band-mates, or anyone – and that’s putting totally aside the fact that hazing is a criminal offense, not just a bad habit.

And that’s what you did. That’s what you have subjected women to, Cosmopolitan. You told your readers that for an “end” they should tolerate any means necessary. I think that translates into an awfully dangerous analogy, don’t you?

Your readers, your non-readers, all women of the world deserve to be wanted and valued. They deserve, I deserve, two-way friendships, empathy, compassion, and courage. We deserve to have people in our lives who challenge us to walk taller, speak louder, be more generous, and be more of ourselves, and to be happy with that person; happier than we ever thought possible.

Your stance in publishing this article sends a message that is hurtful to the women who value the trust and bonds of our fraternal relationships, and oppresses the notion of female empowerment in relationships far beyond those of the sorority house.

Fraternally,

Mary